Regular hotel night tonight. A quiet Halloween night, which has its own eerie quality. I overheard a man, who had been applauding me all through dinner, say as he and his wife walked away from tipping me:
“What is she doing playing here?”
I know what they mean when folks say things like this. They were both very sweet.
I kinda wish he’d asked me that question directly. I would’ve said, “Playing for folks like you who listen and appreciate it.”
That man and his wife only want what’s best for me, of this I’m sure. And once I figure out what that is, I’ll go after it, too.
And even though I’m quickly approaching forty, I still feel like my life is brand new. In a lot of ways, at least in the last five years, it is brand new. A whole new set of circumstances and goals. Sure, I’m happy, and things are moving onward and upward, and sure, I get sad and blue as hell sometimes, and I’m working on that stuff. Trying, anyway. And sure, everything feels uncertain and downright scary sometimes, even when things are going well.
I’m finding that both the bitter and the sweet stuff is in the searching. That old saw about the journey, and not the destination, blah blah.
And all the while, the clock is ticking, and friends and strangers alike are cheering me on.
Who knows how and why we end up where we do, doing the things we do. Some people have strong convictions about that sort of thing. Some have faith, others don’t. Everything from “It’s all pre-determined” to “It’s all a crap shoot.”
Me? I don’t really know a damn thing, except that I intend to get up tomorrow morning and keep trying to figure it out. Of that, I’m as certain as I can be.
So, on this spookiest of nights, when it’s okay to be scared and uncertain about what’s lurking behind the corner, I admit that I am – and I’m smiling about it. Happy Halloween.