Sometime in the month of December 1998, I was standing in a very long, slowly-moving line at Borders in South Portland, ME. I was clutching a couple of books in my hands — one for my mom and another for my boyfriend Scott — that I intended to give as Christmas gifts.
I’ll never forget how severely depressed I was in that moment. My father had just died of cancer in November. My mother was, of course, a wreck, and my job of consoling her was impossible. And in those days, I was living on my own (mostly) in a rathole of an apartment in Lewiston, working in retail (which meant, in December, working nearly every waking moment of every day), and struggling to pay my bills.
I could barely afford the books I was holding in my hand. I could barely stand there and endure the holiday music that blared incessantly from the wall-mounted speakers. I did, however, manage to gaze around me at the dozens of tables of last-minute impulse buys and brightly colored bargain books around which we in line were all snaking our way toward the registers, and I did also manage to notice the looks on the faces of nearly everyone else in that line — unsmiling, unfriendly, exhausted. “Let’s just get this over with,” we all seemed to be thinking.
And then, I had an idea. I will get this over with. I stepped out of my place in line, placed the two books back where I found them, and walked out of the store with an incredible sense of relief.
It was at that moment that I pretty much dropped out of Christmas.
The one thing I wanted — and that my mother wanted — more than anything was to have my father back. How was a stupid book about cats going to assuage that?
She and I didn’t exchange gifts that year. It seemed pointless. It was pointless.
There have been a few exceptions over the last fifteen years — including a gift or two for my mother before her death in 2007 — but very few.
As the old cliche goes, the best things in life aren’t things. Yes, things are nice. Some things are even necessary. But I find the idea of compulsory gift-giving to be a grotesque one. The giving of gifts should be a joy in and of itself, not a stress-filled obligation.
Many do agree with this sentiment. Others point to the religious origins of the holiday as a respite. I am not a religious person, so I find no consolation in these various myths.
But there is music.
For the last four Christmas seasons, I’ve been a part of a tradition of sharing the music of Vince Guaraldi’s Charlie Brown Christmas in a live concert setting. The message of the original TV special was that of that same exasperation that I felt standing in that long line at Borders all those years ago — commercialism run amok. I’ve heard many folks say to me that it has made their whole holiday season, that it has brought the true spirit of Christmas back into their lives. Music has the power — and, indeed, the tendency — to do just that.
So, I won’t be giving any store-bought gifts tomorrow. Hopefully, I won’t be receiving any either. The only gift I want — tomorrow and every day — is the loving presence of dear friends and loved ones. That should be enough for anyone! It’s certainly more than enough for me.
Yes! I’m about there. I really haven’t purchas d any gifts this year. Some things I would have given out anyway, but not a present.m
Good for you Ade! Can’t wait to see you again in June! 🙂
I got rhythm, I got music, who could ask for anything more?
Indeed!
Yeah, Heather, I hear you… That’s why I like Thanksgiving so much! I’m not too religious either, but I do miss the spirit of the occasion that I was bought up with. So in that spirit, I wish you a very Merry Christmas!
Thank you Larry! 🙂
This is a very courageous post, Heather; it’s inspiring.
Thanks Bob.
I hear you Heather. The original meaning of Christmas has been ruined by the almighty dollar. Besides, it was a lonely Christmas for me this year…
The almighty dollar has a tendency to do just that.
I’m going to be in Florida in January. Perhaps we can stop in for a visit? Let’s keep in touch. xoxo
It doesn’t surprise me that you write a fine essay. One reason is that you are free to be you and open yourself up for others to see. Others like what they see and hear. I understand your feeling about Christmas. One gift I have shared with others is your new album. I gave it to friends that I knew would like it and waited to hear their replies. And yes, indeed they did like it. I should have bought more. I am looking forward to a performance where I can see and hear you live doing the songs on this album. I think you are heading for a very Happy New Year. I hope so.
Dorothy Duffy, Laconia
Thank you very much Dorothy! I am very much looking forward to 2015. xo
Wow, it has taken me days to put my head around your message, there has been so much pain. Yes there is music and that has been your salvation and your gift to so many others including me. Yes Christmas in not just gifts you hold in your hand but those special times with those who love you that you hold in your heart. You may want to consider creating your own path through the season with Shawn. Enough said, any more I’d be meddling. Have not ordered your new cd since my many eye operations have taken a lot out of me. Will do so in early Jan. when we reach Fairhope, Alabama. Hugs, Tom Donnelly
Hi Tom! So good to hear from you. I hope your procedures went well. I certainly have made a pathway through with Shawn — we have music, of course, and on Christmas day we were with his family, sharing a meal and some music and conversation — no gifts exchanged! It was a very nice day. Safe travels to Fairhope. Love to you and Nancy. xo