Honesty in the darkness.

Tags

curiosity, honesty, uncertainty

This past weekend was the trio’s first short run on the road with our new sound, and it was awesome!

At Saturday night’s show, I introduced my song ‘Lines and Spaces’ as I often do by dedicating it to anyone who is currently taking piano lessons. Though the hall was dark enough and the stage brightly lit enough that I had a tough time seeing a show of hands when I asked who was currently taking lessons, I did see one young arm (maybe 10 years old?) shoot up into the air from the second row.

‘Oh hi, I see you there. So you’re taking lessons?’

‘Yup,’ a small young voice chimed.

‘Do you love it?’ I asked.

And after a slight beat, her reply came: ‘I don’t know.’

And I smiled and said, ‘That’s a great answer! Sometimes you just don’t know if you love to do something until you’ve done it a while.’ And I sensed some nods and murmurs of agreement from the audience.

I did get to speak to the young piano student after the show. I asked her again, away from the spotlight, if she enjoys the piano. She shrugged and said she doesn’t love it, and that she’s not even sure if she likes it.

‘So, tell me what you do love!’ I replied.

And then she lit right up! She loves singing and dancing, and she especially loves cats. She told me about her cats, about her nicknames (‘Loon Cat’, ‘Crazy Cat Lady’), and then even more about her love of cats.

I want to always be brave enough to say ‘I don’t know’ when that is the only honest answer. I want to keep cultivating my curiosity about it all. And yes, uncertainty is a really unpleasant place sometimes – and it is also a place of tremendous learning and growth.

Day 4: Four truthy things and two tricky ones.

Tags

attention, curiosity, meditation, meditation retreat, retreat

By day four, I was starting to look more deeply at two tricky things: attention and curiosity. Some questions bubbled up:

To what or whom am I paying my limited and precious currency of attention, and in so doing, what need am I trying to serve?

and

What is the nature of my curiosity? Is it in service of problem solving, or simply a bright, open interest?

The teachers reminded us of the Four Noble Truths, which I render here in my own vernacular:

1. Life can suck.
2. There are reasons that life can suck.
3. Life doesn’t have to suck.
4. There is way to ensure that life doesn’t suck.

First truth – No argument there.

Second truth – For sure. Death, disease, old age, heartbreak, rotten fruit, cold coffee, traffic, taxes, just to name a few.

Third truth – No argument there either. Health, love, friendship, fresh fruit, hot coffee, empty roads, taxes (okay, okay, not the time and place, I get it…)

Fourth truth – TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME what it is, PLEASE!

And that’s where those two tricky things – attention and curiosity – come into play.

Rather than constantly riding the old familiar see-saw – grasping at the experiences of good health, love, hot coffee, and pushing away thoughts and reactions about death, disease, and slow traffic – I can get off that ride and pay attention to and be curious about the thoughts, emotions, and sensations as they arise. I can notice that I really enjoy fresh fruit, and notice my disappointment when it goes bad before I eat it – and then begin to cultivate a genuine curiosity about it all. To respond with, ‘Wow, isn’t that interesting?’ rather than react with the ‘I gotta figure out how to keep this/let go of that/be better/do more’ rat race.

And yes, I want to learn from past experiences – clear seeing and wise discernment and all that. The key is to go easy on myself as I do so.

Notice, and then let it go. Notice, and then let it go.

Simple, but not easy.

It takes practice.

Which is why going on retreat has been and continues to be so important for me. To set aside distractions and slow down my nervous system for long enough to really notice these things for what they are – impermanent features on the landscape of consciousness. It can open the door to simple and profound insights that usually whiz past all of us at the light-speed pace of every day life:

I’m paying attention to the sadness I feel right now, and I feel sad because I need laughter.

I’m paying attention to the happiness I feel right now, and I feel happy because I need beauty.

I’m paying attention to the annoyance I feel right now, and I feel annoyed because I need support.

And just like that, every emotion – pleasant, unpleasant, neutral – rises up and then falls away again.

And how lucky are I that I get this chance to do any of that?

The way to ensure that life doesn’t suck is to remember that it doesn’t, in fact, suck. It doesn’t anything. Life just keeps moving along. It’s the stories we tell ourselves about it moment to moment that determine the amount to which it appears to suck. Or appears to not suck.

The answers to those questions that bubbled up are going to change just as often as experience itself. Even the mere asking can calibrate my mind and gently point it towards the promised land of equanimity.

But first – I gotta check on those blackberries.