By day four, I was starting to look more deeply at two tricky things: attention and curiosity. Some questions bubbled up:
To what or whom am I paying my limited and precious currency of attention, and in so doing, what need am I trying to serve?
and
What is the nature of my curiosity? Is it in service of problem solving, or simply a bright, open interest?
The teachers reminded us of the Four Noble Truths, which I render here in my own vernacular:
- Life can suck.
- There are reasons that life can suck.
- Life doesn’t have to suck.
- There is way to ensure that life doesn’t suck.
First truth – No argument there.
Second truth – For sure. Death, disease, old age, heartbreak, rotten fruit, cold coffee, traffic, taxes, just to name a few.
Third truth – No argument there either. Health, love, friendship, fresh fruit, hot coffee, empty roads, taxes (okay, okay, not the time and place, I get it…)
Fourth truth – TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME what it is, PLEASE!
And that’s where those two tricky things – attention and curiosity – come into play.
Rather than constantly riding the old familiar see-saw – grasping at the experiences of good health, love, hot coffee, and pushing away thoughts and reactions about death, disease, and slow traffic – I can get off that ride and pay attention to and be curious about the thoughts, emotions, and sensations as they arise. I can notice that I really enjoy fresh fruit, and notice my disappointment when it goes bad before I eat it – and then begin to cultivate a genuine curiosity about it all. To respond with, ‘Wow, isn’t that interesting?’ rather than react with the ‘I gotta figure out how to keep this/let go of that/be better/do more’ rat race.
And yes, I want to learn from past experiences – clear seeing and wise discernment and all that. The key is to go easy on myself as I do so.
Notice, and then let it go. Notice, and then let it go.
Simple, but not easy.
It takes practice.
Which is why going on retreat has been and continues to be so important for me. To set aside distractions and slow down my nervous system for long enough to really notice these things for what they are – impermanent features on the landscape of consciousness. It can open the door to simple and profound insights that usually whiz past all of us at the light-speed pace of every day life:
I’m paying attention to the sadness I feel right now, and I feel sad because I need laughter.
I’m paying attention to the happiness I feel right now, and I feel happy because I need beauty.
I’m paying attention to the annoyance I feel right now, and I feel annoyed because I need support.
And just like that, every emotion – pleasant, unpleasant, neutral – rises up and then falls away again.
And how lucky are I that I get this chance to do any of that?
The way to ensure that life doesn’t suck is to remember that it doesn’t, in fact, suck. It doesn’t anything. Life just keeps moving along. It’s the stories we tell ourselves about it moment to moment that determine the amount to which it appears to suck. Or appears to not suck.
The answers to those questions that bubbled up are going to change just as often as experience itself. Even the mere asking can calibrate my mind and gently point it towards the promised land of equanimity.
But first – I gotta check on those blackberries.